I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
