Just fell off a train. Bad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
