I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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