Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
