I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
