I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
