Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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