Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
