did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
