Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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