Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
