I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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