I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
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I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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