OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
