Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
