Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
