if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
