I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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