you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
