Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
