I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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