three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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