you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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