She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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