What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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