im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
