So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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