my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
