Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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