i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
