I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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