nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
