In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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That reminds me...we need to get swords
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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