I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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