I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
