i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
