I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
