i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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