I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
