A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
