I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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