Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
