I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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