he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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