People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
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