hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize