I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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