I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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