So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
