does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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