I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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