you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
