Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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