I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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